I had redefined exhaustion after I testified. There would be no more 18+ hour days of working full time, taking care of 3 kids, and getting up at 3 or 4 am to work on the case. For about a year and a half, I kept that schedule and I just didn’t have to do that another day. Thank God. The case was over, no matter the decision from here. What a relief! No matter what happened next, I was true to myself. I testified as I had promised myself and worked as hard as I ever had on anything.
Within no time, there was another Rule 29 introduced to the Court. My head spun around. Once again, we had an opportunity to say to the Judge that the case against me had not been proven. The Judge was an independent thinking judge and he watched me testify.
There wasn’t a moment when the prosecutor on cross-examination was able to trip me up and say that I did something that I had been accused of.
There wasn’t a time during my testimony that there was an epiphany that the prosecution had been waiting to expose. It didn’t happen.
Rule 29. Another opportunity to have the judge dismiss the case before the jury had it. Disappointingly, the Judge had watched the jury sit through a 9-day trial and he decided that they would have the opportunity to reach a verdict. Obviously, I wanted to be found innocent. It seemed like the Judge was about to do it himself, but then….he didn’t. For whatever reason, the Judge gave the jury the case.
Court was dismissed for the day so that the Jury could begin deliberations the next day.
We all went home. It was hard to know what to do when you are waiting for others to decide the path that your life will take. How long would it take for the Jury to decide? What questions would the jury pose while they deliberated? It kept you on the edge of your seat. I told my attorney that I wanted to go back to work while the jury deliberated. It would keep me somewhat busy. I wanted to see what it felt like to go back and do my job, step back into my “old life”. I wanted to see if it was still available and how I felt sitting in my chair at work.
My attorney, Dan, wouldn’t let me go back to work even though my office was very close by. When you are told there is a verdict, you have to pop into the Courtroom pretty quickly. Like everything else, I followed the attorney’s advice and sat with him trying to think of anything but how the verdict would turn out. Small talk was beyond Dan and me. Dan always had stacks of work to do so I watched him and pondered nothing. Nothing. I wanted to think about nothing. That sounded great. I couldn’t let my mind succumb to the worst that could happen because it shouldn’t happen. It just wouldn’t be right. I knew it was possible. I couldn’t let my thoughts set me free either because that would be too liberating too fast.
So we waited.
Surprisingly, the Jury came back the next day with a verdict ready to present.
I was for a brief moment in time, the person I always wanted to be. I testified to the world just who I was. If it never happened again, I had that time. I had pushed myself as hard as I ever could have and It felt great. I pushed through all the fears and all the unknowns. I did what was right and all I could. I did the right thing regardless of the outcome.
I was alone but incredibly strong. I wanted to hold on to this feeling forever. Just think of what I could do if I could channel this feeling and passion into other causes. I sat in this feeling.
When have you felt most powerful?