I was baffled why the Motion to Dismiss was denied.  It was all so clear to me. The original business records were vital to the integrity of the case. I struggled.  DENIED.  DENIED. DENIED.  The truth was denied.

Assuming that we were going to trial, my defense attorney could have offered each Government witnesses’ own written agreement to cross-examine and/or to provide specific facts.  Having the original business records and reading from their own signed investor questionnaire, would have been very substantiative. Questions were similar to these: “Who sold you Fund III? Did you agree that all your investment could be lost? Did you read and understand all knowledge should have been derived from the offering circular and not a Fund III management committee members? Given the significance of the business records, there could have been much more to ask the investors.

I completely thwarted the idea that there was any other substitute for the original and I wanted to see someone take responsibility for the fact that vital documents were no longer available for my defense. To this day, I don’t know where the original business documents laned. 

My concern was that disgruntled investors that weren’t my clients would testify at trial that they relied on me somehow and that I was responsible for their investment loss. Losing money can make people say things that they might not otherwise. Knowing that these weren’t my investors and how the government might help investors recall their investment experience, I had a right to be concerned.  

Motion to Dismiss DENIED, Supply Justice
Prison art – original piece


I had a hard time understanding why the Motion to Dismiss for the destruction of documents was denied. The Judge indicated that since the government didn’t have possession of the documents, the Judge could not take any action ….that was key.  Denying the motion was just another lesson for me to understand what I was up against and how hard I needed to continue to work. So far, the truth just wasn’t setting me free. 

I had to keep doing the right thing regardless of the results I was getting.  For the most part, that is what I did.  I was getting better at it. It was a heavy load at times. There were moments where I was unsure if I wanted to keep fighting the good fight. Usually, that’s when I thought about my kids and I would just push on.

Motion to Dismiss DENIED, Supply Justice


There were times when I thought about what was the worst the government could do to me. I wrote about and shared it with no one. Maybe I didn’t share because the thoughts didn’t resemble me or anything I had ever thought before. It would likely scare anyone who thought they knew me. I didn’t have anyone that I was truly intimate with enough on that level that would be able to wrestle these thoughts with me.  My thoughts were ugly at times, but not often, I let the clamor of horrible things swirl in my head only briefly.  It was raw emotion in a way that is difficult to describe and that I had never experienced.
I tested my theory a bit on the two people that I viewed knew me well and should unconditionally stand by me. 

It wasn’t conscious….like here’s the test.  It was more like saying some very deep, maybe unexpected thoughts and seeing their reaction. I didn’t even offer the “worst” of what flashed through my mind. Then, I said it. Something that was difficult for them to acknowledge. Quickly, I saw the judgment. I saw the fear. They didn’t want to go there with me. That’s what fear does -stops you from listening which stops you from helping the way that is needed.  I felt it instantly. It separated us. We both knew it. The silence was deafening.

These people claim to be your unconditional supporters, In reality, they support you in a way that they are comfortable with. They actually may be stretching themselves, but not far enough to reach me.  I feel confident in saying that they thought they were helping, but they didn’t really go into the trenches with me.  They knew it was a dark place and who knows how long and what might happen in the trenches with a criminal defendant that you profess to care about. 

There were questions and comments that I had never asked them – many, many thoughts. There were thoughts about the government, the case, my employer, and on-and-on. There were real tragic questions or comments that could have changed our relationship if answered the wrong way.  Instead of asking them and removing all doubt, I sat quietly dealing with the worst of the case using only my faith.

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